Finding my new normal.

I'm back! Officially back. I think it's time to get my blog back on track, to find some time from somewhere to get back into blogging. A lot has happened since June, when I was last 'properly' blogging. I graduated, cared for my grandma, we moved house and I drove a huge van, grandma died, I started the unenviable task of sorting out probate, I began to run the bed and breakfast and we only had three nights in September when we didn't have any guests in. So I have only just begun to process everything that has happened. 

At the moment I am sad. That's the main reason I haven't written my 'What has made me happy' posts. That and having no time. I promise that this week I will get back to them. I enjoy writing them. The very process of writing them makes me happy. I hope that makes sense.

It has finally hit me that grandma isn't coming back. That she won't walk through the door all tanned, having had a wonderful holiday. That the box I placed in a hole in the ground contained her remains. That she is gone. 

And that makes me so, so sad. 

I miss her. 

I miss her incessant talking. I miss how she knew where all things were kept and had a good answer for pretty much everything. I miss her energy, her enthusiasm and her happiness. I hadn't really cried about her death until a few days ago and now whenever I think of her I struggle to hold back the tears. I don't want it to be a woe is me tale. I am not crying out of self-pity. It's not about me. I am crying because she's not here. She's missing out. The boy learned to whistle the other day and she didn't hear.

Today I am going to a jumble sale. That might not sound like much, but it's a jumble sale I went to every year with grandma. We loved getting our bargains, and Christmas presents for family. I find it really hard to comprehend that we were there only a year ago and she was fine. She was happy. She had no diagnosis of terminal cancer. No aches. No pains. She was well and she was here. How can so much change in such a short space of time?

Life goes on. 

With a sadness that wasn't there before. 

But life goes on.

The children need attention. The B&B needs managing. Guests need feeding. Beds need making. The whole place needs cleaning.

Life is continuing and I feel like I need to catch up with it. 

Getting back on track with my blog is something I need and want to do. It's yet another thing which I need to catch up with. I apologise that there hasn't been much here for the past few months and I promise that there will be. It's coming. The drafts will be published. It will take time, so bear with me, but I'm getting back on track. Life goes on.


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