Love is now

Love is now.

It is not, yes, maybe later.
It's not, I would love to, but I'm busy right now.
It's not holding my phone whilst talking to you.
It's not hoping they will play whilst you finish one more thing off.

Love is now.

I have been feeling like I have been failing my children recently. I know we all feel this at times. The mum guilt that gnaws at our insides when we do something for ourselves occasionally.

I've been missing out.

They're growing up fast and I feel like the past year I haven't been there for them enough. Physically, yes I have been there, but mentally, I'm not so sure.

That's the main reason I took this job in the B&B was so that I would be here for the children. I can drop them off at school and be there for their shows and performances. I enjoy being there for them, being able to see them in their shows and see them at praise assembly every Friday.

However, what I have found has crept in is that I have been working when they come home, or reluctant to play with them. It pains me to write that. It really hit home a couple of weeks ago when I realised they had stopped asking me to play with them.

They had stopped.

Because they didn't think I would if they asked me. What kind of mother had I become?

Love is now.

Each time I told them 'later' or 'maybe', they heard no, because it very rarely happened.

I had a moment when I realised they are growing up so quickly, and I'm missing it. I'm 'too busy' to enjoy them and that's not right. I hope this moment will shape the future of their childhoods. Since then, I have made sure my phone is away when they come home from school until they go to bed at 7.30. We are playing board games at the table before tea.

We are laughing and having fun again.

I am cherishing this time. In a flash it will be gone and they will be grown up. I don't wan't them to remember me as never having time for them.

We only get one chance at this, and I have been muddling through the best I can, but I need to make more time for them. For them to know I love them and I want to play with them.

Because love is now, not later.