It's not something I have really experienced as an adult.

When I headed off to VidCon, I wasn't feeling myself.

I now realise I was really struggling with social anxiety. I masked it during the conference, but on my way home I experienced my first ever panic attack. It was terrifying. I thought I would die. Even the rational side of my brain seriously struggled to make sense of the situation.

Then I was so nervous before going away on holiday that I had convinced myself we were never actually going to get there. We didn't deserve it. So obviously we were going to die in a car crash or something awful before we got to the airport. I kept waiting for that impact when I drove places.


When I got back from holiday I just felt overwhelmed by everything. I was comparing myself to others on Instagram and trying to find my self-worth in all the wrong places. So I deactivated my account for a week.

It was nice. I had headspace again.

I had time to think.

I realised how much this 'brand' means to me.

I made a business plan.

I took time out to walk without talking on my phone or chatting on Stories, played with the children, enjoyed my evenings.

It's the longest break from a form of social media I have ever taken.

It was 100% the right thing to do for me at that moment. I have a long way to go to regain my confidence, to feel like I belong. I am learning to love myself again, to believe in me. I hope not to try to be anyone other than myself.

I value honesty, equality, justice, fairness and kindness. Let's try and make this little space of the internet full of all those good things. To embrace what goodness there is, not what is lacking.

Thank you.

For all the messages of support, the queries as to where I was, the people who just checked if I was ok. I appreciate it more than I can begin to tell you. Those of you who are friends in real life, those who exist in my phone. I value each and every one of you who made an effort to check I was alright.

I am not sure why it's taken me so long to post this on my blog. It's almost as if I wasn't sure whether it had a place here. I want to let people know that it might not appear that someone is struggling, but you never know what is going on underneath the surface. How fast those little legs are trying to swim just to stay above the surface. If you're going through anything similar, then please know that you're not alone.